Step Three
I'm in Al-Anon; long story there. In any case, for those of you who are not familiar with Al-Anon or AA (yes, there IS a difference; Al-Anon is a support group for families and friends of alcoholics while AA is Alcoholics Anonymous and is a support group for --you guessed it--alcoholics) Step Three is "Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
I've had a much harder time with that step than I had with Steps One and Two. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol/the effects of alcohol on others was something I had done kind of unconsciously; I had to think about it and make sure that there was no part of me that was saying "if I was just x (insert prettier, thinner, more helpful, nicer, other adjective here) then Mom wouldn't drink and Dad would get a job." Of course, there were a few shreds of that but once I confronted them head-on they went away. As far as coming to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, I knew somehow that there was sanity at the end of the road, and I also knew that there was no way in heck for me to achieve it alone. I just had to have the faith to say that, and I was willing to.
However, Step Three is a more active step. I had to turn myself over to God and allow Him to do with me as He sees fit. To my mind, I could take care of myself far better than anyone else (up to and including God) could, and there was no freaking way I was going to turn myself over to someone who I had always pictured as judge, jury and executioner.
My sponsor kept telling me to redefine my idea of God. I did that by writing down all the things I thought God was and, more necessarily, what He wasn't. At the end of that, I kind of liked my idea of God, but I couldn't believe in it. The idea of a wrathful God who didn't care much about what we did so long as we went through certain motions was firmly ensconced, and didn't seem to be going anywhere.
I learned this week that I was going to have to move. Now, I am in Texas, which is about a thousand miles away from my family. I am renting a small house with two other girls; it is owned by the school I went to this past year. I am not going there next year. I work, but I don't make enough to pay the $450-$500 or so of rent that I'd need to pay for a reasonably safe apartment, leaving aside utility bills. In addition to all this, I would need someplace with at least a washer, if not a dryer; I am allergic to the dyes/perfumes in fabric softener and scented detergent, and that stuff is impossible to not get in one's clothes if you use a public laundromat. That's leaving aside the migraines I get from the overwhelming fumes in such a place. Obviously, stuff can hang dry in a pinch, but you CAN'T wash everything by hand.
My folks are simply not going to come up with financial help. They are both trapped in a very sad disease (alcoholism); they are doing the best they can for now, but that best isn't enough to help me financially.
On Friday night, I realized that there was NOTHING I could do about this until Monday. I worked the weekend, but I had Monday off. So, I planned that I would spend much of Monday trying to find a room mate and apartment, but for the weekend I would give the whole situation to God to do as He wanted. So, I prayed something along the lines of, "God, I can't do anything about this now, and it is really worrying me. Take it, please. I'll deal with it Monday, but worrying about it now will only upset me. It's yours; do with it as You will." I left it at that. That simple prayer was extremely hard for me; in the back of my mind I was thinking that I would solve something by worrying about it, even though I KNEW I wouldn't. Insanity, huh? ;)
Anyhow, I didn't think about it at all on Saturday except to ask God to take it again. Sunday morning, I did the same thing. I happened to mention the rental situation to a friend at church yesterday. God must have inspired me to tell her, cause I wasn't planning on doing so. Anyhow, she stopped by my work later on that day to ask me if I would move in with her; she and her fiance didn't want her to live by herself or me to live by myself; we could split rent and utilities, which would make things MUCH easier on both of us financially.
I never even thought that something like that would happen, and it just fell into my hands.
I am walking on air. Letting go and letting God really does work!! Step Three was suddenly very, very easy; if He could accomplish this, surely He could do much better than I have been doing!
So, God, here is my will and my life. Take them, and do with them whatever You want!
I've had a much harder time with that step than I had with Steps One and Two. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol/the effects of alcohol on others was something I had done kind of unconsciously; I had to think about it and make sure that there was no part of me that was saying "if I was just x (insert prettier, thinner, more helpful, nicer, other adjective here) then Mom wouldn't drink and Dad would get a job." Of course, there were a few shreds of that but once I confronted them head-on they went away. As far as coming to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, I knew somehow that there was sanity at the end of the road, and I also knew that there was no way in heck for me to achieve it alone. I just had to have the faith to say that, and I was willing to.
However, Step Three is a more active step. I had to turn myself over to God and allow Him to do with me as He sees fit. To my mind, I could take care of myself far better than anyone else (up to and including God) could, and there was no freaking way I was going to turn myself over to someone who I had always pictured as judge, jury and executioner.
My sponsor kept telling me to redefine my idea of God. I did that by writing down all the things I thought God was and, more necessarily, what He wasn't. At the end of that, I kind of liked my idea of God, but I couldn't believe in it. The idea of a wrathful God who didn't care much about what we did so long as we went through certain motions was firmly ensconced, and didn't seem to be going anywhere.
I learned this week that I was going to have to move. Now, I am in Texas, which is about a thousand miles away from my family. I am renting a small house with two other girls; it is owned by the school I went to this past year. I am not going there next year. I work, but I don't make enough to pay the $450-$500 or so of rent that I'd need to pay for a reasonably safe apartment, leaving aside utility bills. In addition to all this, I would need someplace with at least a washer, if not a dryer; I am allergic to the dyes/perfumes in fabric softener and scented detergent, and that stuff is impossible to not get in one's clothes if you use a public laundromat. That's leaving aside the migraines I get from the overwhelming fumes in such a place. Obviously, stuff can hang dry in a pinch, but you CAN'T wash everything by hand.
My folks are simply not going to come up with financial help. They are both trapped in a very sad disease (alcoholism); they are doing the best they can for now, but that best isn't enough to help me financially.
On Friday night, I realized that there was NOTHING I could do about this until Monday. I worked the weekend, but I had Monday off. So, I planned that I would spend much of Monday trying to find a room mate and apartment, but for the weekend I would give the whole situation to God to do as He wanted. So, I prayed something along the lines of, "God, I can't do anything about this now, and it is really worrying me. Take it, please. I'll deal with it Monday, but worrying about it now will only upset me. It's yours; do with it as You will." I left it at that. That simple prayer was extremely hard for me; in the back of my mind I was thinking that I would solve something by worrying about it, even though I KNEW I wouldn't. Insanity, huh? ;)
Anyhow, I didn't think about it at all on Saturday except to ask God to take it again. Sunday morning, I did the same thing. I happened to mention the rental situation to a friend at church yesterday. God must have inspired me to tell her, cause I wasn't planning on doing so. Anyhow, she stopped by my work later on that day to ask me if I would move in with her; she and her fiance didn't want her to live by herself or me to live by myself; we could split rent and utilities, which would make things MUCH easier on both of us financially.
I never even thought that something like that would happen, and it just fell into my hands.
I am walking on air. Letting go and letting God really does work!! Step Three was suddenly very, very easy; if He could accomplish this, surely He could do much better than I have been doing!
So, God, here is my will and my life. Take them, and do with them whatever You want!
posted by UbiCaritas at
9:13 AM
1 Comments:
Hi, I found you through the Desperate Irish Housewife blog.
Anyway, I hope things go well financially etc. as you continue in school. I am sending up a prayer for you right now (which is always the best way, because then you don't forget later). Fight the good fight! Carry on! And all that stuff!
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joannmski, at 6:14 PM
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